OK, the Apprentice is a fantastic program – mostly because of the incredibly bad people that are on it.

They don’t know the price of fish.  They don’t know £5 is a bit much to clean a pillow case for a hotel.  They have no idea how to price anything.

But they are experts in stabbing people in the back and twisting the story round.  Classic lines

Alan Sugar : WHY DID IT GO WRONG?

A-hole contestsant : ‘Mr/Miss X was not helping me’

Mr/Miss X : ‘I brought these issues to your attention’

A-hole contetestant : ‘You told me these things but brought me no solutions’ (even though I was team leader)

Quality.

What a sorry lineup of self-imposed ar*eholes. All have been chosen because

(a) they believe their steaming warm crap is in fact precious
(b) they believe they’re worth more than their warm crap
(c) they believe they’re more useful than their warm crap

In reality it’s as if the Monopoly board gave birth to 12 contestants who look like the type with no friends.  Most are sales orientated with ridiculous self belief – if they believe in themselves so much why do they want a job with a grumpy old sod like Alan Sugar?

It’s difficult when you’re smiley/happy with everyone to then have to take sides.  In fact it’s really tricky.

My favourite expression is a shrug of the shoulders, an upside down smile like ‘I just don’t know, I just don’t mind either way’ and say ‘flip a coin’ and shrug further, with an emphasis on absolving and staying apart from the two factors.  An utter fence sit basically.

Bullets are there to be dodged…..and if there’s going to be a blast, I don’t want to be standing next to the dynamite…

Bad bitch from The Apprentice UK, Katie Hopkins is nothing more than a corporate warrior who brings little to your organisation but lies, back stabbing, political shit stirring and inevitably lost revenue.  But she will smile through it all.

What will she do now?  Many employers would be frightened of employing her, after all she steals husbands for a living and puts her 2 kids on the back burner for her bullshit corporate career.

She’d function probably quite well in a sweat shop of lazy chavs….like McDonalds.  But useless anywhere else. 

Try and get rid of her, it’ll be an industrial tribunal till the year 3000.

She claims she’s 31 – I think more 41.

Yet another lie.  Bye bye Katie, all the ex-Apprentice people are mostly washed up, you’re going to find it nigh impossible to get a job.   The corporate jungle loses one poisonous snake.

Some quick words on entering a new corporate jungle….

- smile

- don’t do anything or say anything until you scobe out the people you need to know…the decision makers, the bitches, the plebs.

- write everything down that people say.  Otherwise, get a recording pen with MP3 which you can take everywhere and record what people are saying.  Trust me, you’ll be glad of this months down the line when someone tries to light a rocket up your arse for no reason.

- don’t mention anything that might make you a weird talking point.  If you like doing risky activities like gambling, driving your car fast, drinking lots at the weekend…this is a no-no.  Remember corporations are full of NON RISK TAKERS who are just trying to preserve and move slowly.  Anyone who’s a risk taking, sudden mover…dangerous for them.

- if someone offends you, take note, but don’t get too uppity.  Smooching and bullshit are your weapons, use them with a smile.